Stereotypical Writers

I think it’s about time for another fun, satirical post.

Any writer privileged enough to know a few (or more) other writers is bound to have run into one (or more, if you’re particularly unlucky) of these stereotypical writers.

You know these types. They include:

The Drunken Asshole – Misanthropic and near always drunk, they idolize Charles Bukowski and Hunter S. Thompson, and blatantly rip them off in all their writing.

The Goddamn English Major – While able to compose excellent, technically perfect works of literature, their writing is always about the most mundane topics…like the core of an apple. They’re snooty to boot. They will not shut up about the classics, and about how modern fiction has no “weight.”

The Procrastinator – They could actually be a good writer, but they always make some sort of drama in their life. When you ask them what they’ve written lately, they go on for about an hour making justifications for why they’re not writing.

Mr. or Ms. Successful Writer – I’m published. Did you see my latest piece in X journal that you’ve never heard of? Did you know that X press that you’ve never heard of put out my latest book? These types are mildly successful, but judging by their major ego you would assume they’re as successful as Michael Chabon. Avoid these types at literary events at all costs.

The Angry Editor – Quite unsuccessful in their own literary pursuits, they become an editor not to help other writers, but to break them down. They use their position as a means of exacting revenge on the gods of the page.

The Wolf of Wall Street – They usually have little literary talent, but plenty of connections, and always come with a sordid past…and present. Their writing is only mildly entertaining, but because the world is not fair, they get huge advances. You’re not likely to run into them unless you’re popping bottles at the club or know how to cut lines with an AmEx card.

The Hipster – Their writing is nothing but a string of references that the poor, unwashed masses are too stupid to get. You’ll find these types frowning in coffee shops, frowning at indie shows, and swearing that they will be the next Tao Lin when they go home for the holidays.

 

Did I miss any walking stereotypes? Please feel free to comment below. If you found this post funny, please share this post on your social media feeds.

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6 thoughts on “Stereotypical Writers

  1. Hahaha this is brilliant! I think you left out The Lurker – the silent and intense writer who sits in the corner and avoids interacting with other mere humanoids. And The “Writer” who could be God’s gift to modern literature except that nobody would know because they’ve never shown anybody a thing they’ve written.

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